Fading Away…

I’m posting one day late. Why? you may ask.
Because school is a murderer. A vicious, terrible, unforgiving murderer

Right now I’m living in a dream. Where nothing is real, I know, but I cant help but wish and hope that it was. Everything’s so perfect here. We’re living in a bubble of happiness. You’re right next to me at all times. I love you, and you love me. Nothing’s broken, everything’s flawless. We’re burning so bright; it hurts other people’s eyes.

But as I slip back into reality, it all starts to fade away. You start to fade away, with my heart in your hand.

Another jerk and you’re gone. It all seems so unreal now. Was it ever real? Did I imagine everything? Were you ever here?

If you were, then where are you now?

I try to distract myself from the fact that you’re missing. But it’s hard. Its oh, so hard.  I’m slipping in and out of reality, because I don’t think I can live in this world without you by my side. I’m always in a haze, doing things I would normally never do.

But I’m not normal. Not anymore. Not in the real world. I am, however, normal when I’m with you in our play-pretend. It’s perfect, and everyone’s smiling. And when I come back to reality, I start to look for you, until I remember you’re not here.

And I think to myself, where are you now?

I wonder if you’re happy, I wonder if you’re hurting. I am. I know that I am. I’m hurting so bad I can barely stay in the real world without going into an endless whirlpool of emotion.

I have to let myself slip away, so that I don’t miss you. When I’m in my virtual reality, I don’t miss you because you’re right there with me. You’re holding my hand and kissing my lips. I’m happy there. I wanted us to be alive forever. In my world, we are. And as you fade away from my play-pretend, I fade away from reality. Slowly slipping into insanity, and I wonder if that’s a good thing, because there I would know where you are.

But I’m not quite there yet, I’m still one foot into reality, and all I can think is that you’re gone. You’re gone and I don’t know where you are. I wonder if you ever think about me, because I always do.

Where are you now?faded  At last I’m praying to retreat into my virtual world, where everything is happiness and sunshine, quite in contrast with my reality. I know you would hate it but I’ve made a decision. I’m going to stay in my play-pretend, where there’s no end to the fun we have. I have to do this for myself, because I can’t be alone again, and I need something to numb me, numb my feelings. I hope you understand.  I have to let reality slip; I have to fade away, so that I forget how much I miss you.

I have to fade away, because then my question will be answered.

Where are you now?
Right next to me. Forever.

~Going back to my perfect reverie


35 thoughts on “Fading Away…

  1. First, thank you so much for the comment and follow the other day and sorry to have taken so long to respond. This is my favourite piece of what I’ve read on here. Aside from my personal and irrational bias against rhetorical questions, it feels visceral and angry before the speaker gives up at the end. (And maybe my rhetorical questions thing is legitimate in that the repetition, though effective, makes it feel less raw and more crafted.) “I wonder if you’re happy, I wonder if you’re hurting. I am. I know that I am.” is SO familiar, which is a really important part of reading for me – recognising my own experiences.

    Congratulations on 100 followers, by the way 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is very well written, I do hope you are ok. Just remember your worth in times like this. When we are hurt by somebody we tend to instantly blame ourselves and assume we are not good enough. So here is a gentle reminder. You are good enough ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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