(Hoping to God that you don’t read my blog)
I know that none of this is your fault and I know I cannot blame you for all the shit that has happened, the shit that is happening and I’m not blaming you.
I cannot help but wonder why on Earth things got so complicated? Why and how did people who don’t need to get involved suddenly get so involved? And how much ever we deny it, this entire thing has screwed us up in more ways than we care to admit. Its taken away rather important things, its breached our faith in each other, its made us think about “the bigger picture”: something I didn’t even bother to consider until now.
And all of these series of stupid unfortunate events has, quite inevitably, changed our dynamic. Both of us think twice before saying anything or doing anything. Conversations have become stagnant, and the worst: you cross my mind a lot less often now. I don’t know if it’s because of the immense amount of stress that’s been put on me or because of all the shit I’ve had to hear from everyone, but I think about you much lesser than I did pre-seriesofunfortunateevents.
Don’t get me wrong boy, I still very much love you. But I’ve stopped in the fall mid-way and I don’t know how long it’ll take me to actually resume falling. And I know, for a fact, that this entire thing has affected your feelings for me too.
I hate that a lot of things have been taken away. I hate knowing that I’ll never be able to kiss you again. I hate accepting that we HAVE to break up in a year and a half, max. I hate that you don’t say all the mad stuff you said before. And most of all, I hate that all the sad things that have been going on in my mind have been going on in yours too.
I miss pre-seriesofunfortunateevents us. I miss perfect-love-song us.
We’re different now. Not the flowery couple that made everyone sigh, not the couple that fit Ed Sheeran songs. But I know that we’ll pull through it. I know that ending things isn’t what either of us are planning. I love that about us, to be honest. That after so much of bullshit we’re still pulling through strong. A little hurt, a little bruised, but moving on.
This entire situation has scraped and scratched our relationship, quite badly too. But it will get better. Because after all, all wounds heal in time. We just need time. Time to get back up from this perfect rock bottom. Time to get over this trauma. This messed up, unnecessary but united, beautiful trauma.
I’m rooting for us. For us to get back to where we were, if not even higher.
After all, we are pretty fucking amazing together.