1 a.m. thoughts

“A simple complication, miscommunication, leads to fall out.”
Story Of Us by Taylor Swift is blaring in my ears.
I can’t seem to fall asleep. I think I know why too.
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Did I do the right thing? I don’t think I did.

No no no what have I done?

I shouldn’t have. I should have just left it the way it was. Now I’ve messed it up even more. I’ve messed it up for good.

What exactly are we supposed to do now? How can we go from being EVERYTHING to NOTHING overnight? It won’t be easy, not for me at least.
But I can’t back away now.

In my head, I draw a picture of how it’s gonna be from now on:

You can bet it’s gonna be weird. It’s looking like a contest of who can act like the careless. Its a competition of who can hold their pride up for longer. Its about ego more than about the actual issue of not being friends at this point.

I talk to everyone, very evidently pretending like you don’t exist. You turn away and try to look busy.

It’s a mess, and it’s because of me.


So I ask myself again, did I do the right thing?

I think it was.
Why am I beating myself over this? Of course I did the right thing. It’s not my fault. I don’t have to stay with someone who doesn’t like me. I don’t deserve to. I’m never going to.

I’m doing us both a favour. You’re finally free. I finally know the truth. There’s no confusion. There are no arguments or awkward conversations. You’re already over it. I’ll get over it soon enough.


I totally did the right thing.

Then why do I feel so empty?

I know I did the right thing. But that doesn’t change the fact that its terrible. That doesn’t change the fact that this is all just a huge miscommunication. It doesn’t change the fact that it could’ve been prevented by ONE HONEST conversation.

I’d redo the whole situation if I could.

I could’ve fixed it. We could’ve talked it out.

But we didn’t.
Why? The answer’s simple:
EGO – Three little letters that keep us from saying things we really need to say: I love you, I miss you, I’m sorry.

But now it’s fallen out and over.

Its too far gone to fix.

It sucks, but I’ll have to deal with it.


When I wake up in the morning, I’m gonna have one less of a friend.

And it’s not any friend I’d have lost. It’s one of my best friends.

Ugh.

Also, it’s 1:19 a.m. and I’m sleepy.

~going back to my perfect reverie (quite literally)

 

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