You said it in a simple, nonchalant way. Like it didn’t matter, like it didn’t affect us, like you weren’t going half way across the world.
You told me that they had accepted your application to transfer to New York for an apprenticeship under the very best artists. I knew how much you wanted that apprenticeship, but I hadn’t known you were applying.
Did I even know you at all?
You asked me to go with you, but you knew I couldn’t leave. I wanted to, I still want to. I look at the taxi cabs and busy streets that never bring you back to me, and I can’t help but wish you’d taken me with you. Maybe if you had forced me or begged me a little more, I would’ve come. Maybe I could be there with you.
Maybe. But not quite.
The days before you left were short, gone in the blink of an eye. Delicate conversation, carefully avoiding the approaching future. Soft kisses, begging you to stay. Jokes about how you will. Empty promises and a long, long fall into love.
We stumbled through the long goodbye. Tears and tight hugs unwilling to let go. But too soon you had to leave. One last kiss and you had to catch your flight.
I saw your plane take off, flying higher and higher right when I was just about to fall deeper and deeper.
I told myself not to get attached, but in my mind I play it back, the memories spinning faster than the plane that took you. You were gone, but still right here in front of me. I see you in everything, I hear you in every song. You’re in me. Embedded and dangerously close, yet so, so far away.
That is when the feelings sinks in, I don’t want to need you like this.
Come back, be here.
I miss you, I love you. Every second of every day. And its not fair, because we had just started. We had so much more, so many plans.
This is the cruelest way to fall in love, because this is falling for you when you are worlds away. I wish I was there, I wish New York was here, because I don’t wanna miss you this way.
So come back, be here.
~A letter I’ll never write